


The thoughts that cross me in a march to the sea.

by NamesAndShames



Category: Original Work
Genre: Ambiguity, Dubious Morality, Emotional Hurt, Gay Male Character, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Language gets strong in one short paragraph because of strong feelings, M/M, MC is not a great person, No Name, Open to Interpretation, Original Character(s), Other, mentions of one night stands, pop culture references, references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-23 23:58:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14343675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NamesAndShames/pseuds/NamesAndShames
Summary: A person, just as simple as that, walks themselves straight off the edge. These are the thoughts that cross his mind as he gets closer to the end, up until the very last thought.





	The thoughts that cross me in a march to the sea.

**Author's Note:**

> First ever work, the main character is a he/him, but aside from that, everything is to be left up to interpretation. When your done, please share your interpretations of what has happened to this person and who the people in his life are in the comments, I'd really appreciate it. And criticism, whether constructive or completely biased, is appreciated. All feedback welcome, basically.

They were always short nights, most not even stored in memory anymore, so many lost faces and lost names, the contacts deleted and the traces of their existence left on skin fading away over time. One, after another, after another. 

I remember laying my head down on their chests, usually over their hearts, I liked being able to hear it, coupled with warmth, it made me feel closer. I would hold onto them and close my eyes, they'd stroke my hair but their hand would rarely be all too gentle. Aside from a select few, but those were always the people who could tell something was wrong. They all could tell something was off, but for some it was an annoyance, some just a sigh, and some, just one lost feather on an otherwise perfectly healthy bird. And those who could see pain were quiet about it, nobody ever asked what was wrong, but, there was truly no good reason for them to be expected to. That's not what they signed up for, nor what I signed up for. 

I feel truly bad for three people, but, their names remain unstated. I hope their grief is short, I would pray, if I believed in such nonsense. I do love them. I won't lie. But. In the end. I've got to do something for myself for once. That's what I'd tell someone, at least.

But, fuck what I'd tell someone. In my heart I know I care about them but I'm not one to live for others. They will get over it. A couple years of sorrow isn't worth a fucking life, a life, of misery. Call me selfish, I never denied I was, I know I am, I love them, I love them very, very much, but, am I really, really, the selfish one in this situation? Is it me, or is it your ass for asking me to live a life of misery just because somebody loves me?  
Fuck, I'm crying.  
But the bout leaves quickly

Once, a friend gently squeezed my hand, that was the only reassurance I ever got from him. It didn't mean much to me. But nonetheless, the gesture was sweet. My life will be short? They say that, but it doesn't feel that way. I feel like I've lived. Maybe not as long, but just as much as anyone else. Nobody believes that, do they? I know they don't.

Rightfully so.

I wonder if this would be different if it hadn't ended. But, It would've had to end. No matter how you look at it, everything has to die. I can't help but keep that in mind. I feel heavy, very heavy, but good. I feel good. I feel almost excited, now. 

My mind wanders to the stupid things, I wonder if season 4 will ever exist, if I'll miss it, I wonder if the channel will be shut down, if Doug will lose his rights to the NC, go off creating content on his own. If there will ever be a re.

My heart lays heavy as I think about it, but, I can't stop my smile. 

Of course, that's what makes my heart heavy, of all things. 

Tears sting my eyes as my mind wanders to the important stuff.

The important. Is it that important? Rather say, the unimportant.

I miss them. I never saw their faces, but, I'll miss them. I can't help but choke up, and I give up on walking the entirety of this march to the sea. I buckle down, looking up. I'm not normal, I never was, I never will be, but that's okay, I've won, this is my winning, I'm okay, I've found peace. This is my peace. All that I have is all that is gone. And, my dear,

I've held those things up until now. 

I feel everything collapse around my heart as I pull my index finger outwards from my spine.

Thank you.


End file.
